Lilly Pulitzer x Target Parody

In case you live under a rock, the Lilly Pulitzer x Target lookbook came out yesterday. I know I never update my blog anymore (this site doesn’t make money so why bother? #lchaim) But I just had to for this momentous occasion.

As always – I love you Lilly, and plan on fighting more than a few sorority girls for home goods when this collection drops on April 19th.














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Lilly Pulitzer Resort ’14

You can’t really argue with Lilly Pulitzer. It’s a lost cause. When they say they can make #Resort365 a thing, just smile and slowly nod your head. To their point, a sunny state of mind really only requires breakfast foods, way too much alcohol before noon and a recently graduated lacrosse player (they still have their metabolisms).

While I live in the North and can’t exactly wear any of the Lilly resort pieces save for winter excursions to tropical places I can’t afford, I still bastardized their current marketing because it’s all out of love. Which explains why my past relationships haven’t worked out.



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Four Fall Vignettes

And they said my creative writing minor was useless (it was).


Michael stood in front of his wardrobe, breathing in the fragrant scent of both the cedar closet and the wax he used to repair his Barbour jacket’s coating. The invigorating aroma washed over him as he reached for his favorite button-down and sweater before gingerly putting on the sport coat that used to belong to his father–before the incident. After a moment’s contemplation, he added a pocket square to finish off the autumn-appropriate look. Then, after another few introspective seconds, he reached for the tin of wax dressing, opened it, and took a few deep breaths until his thoughts began to swim. “Fuck, I love fall,” he thought.


Olivia and Jeremy walked around the hunting lodge, looking at the prized antlers and deer heads that strung the walls like Christmas lights. “I heard that at night, the house is haunted with the spirits of the dead animals,” whispered Olivia, looking earnestly at the pair of glass eyes affixed to the long departed animal staring back at her. “Nonsense,” said Jeremy. “It’s the souls of all the people who got shot hunting after happy hour.”

“Damn straight,” said the ghost of Theodore Fitzwilliams, who had just apparated, riding astride a large stag. Balanced on the stag’s antlers was a silver serving platter that held a cocktail shaker and various accessories Theodore was using to make himself a drink. “Cheers to the second amendment,” he bellowed before taking a large swig and disappearing into thin air.


“Caffeine is my anti-drug,” said Alissa, sipping her freshly purchased brew. Brittany opened her mouth to begin to protest, then thought better of it and said, “Yeah, but blow has wayyy fewer calories than a PSL.” “What have I done?” whispered Alissa, who looked with contempt at her Pumpkin Spice Latte.


Victoria blankly looked out into the empty fields, wondering where it had all gone wrong. All her friends were drunk, out riding bareback and playing polo (as one assumably does in the English countryside). She had elected to stay behind to guard the picnic basket and emotionally binge on brie. While she dressed like an equestrian enthusiast, she had a terrible accident at the petting zoo when she was younger that caused her to fear anything on four legs. “I’ll see you in hell Mr. Whiskers,” she declared, raising her wood hand to the sky.

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It’s Almost Everyone’s Favorite Season

tumblr_mzay37wS5K1t0d8uoo1_500Fall is easily one of the most eagerly awaited times of the year (at least in the northeast). Pumpkin spice lattes, decorative gourds, and that slight chill in the air reminding us of the ephemeral nature of nice weather and ultimately, our fleeting mortality. With that being said, we often forget about the darker side of autumn, which I’ve explained below.

It’s almost ‘cable-knits mask most of your physical insecurities and spiked cider deals with the rest’ season.

It’s almost ‘wear your Barbour to the bar because someone splashing Bud Light on you is the equivalent of a light storm anyway’ season.

It’s almost ‘excessively email the guy you’re barely dating about apple-picking trips until you never hear from him again’ season.

It’s almost ‘complement your oversized fisherman’s sweater with a slutty skirt’ season.

It’s almost ‘pass out in a pile of leaves and pretend it’s quaint instead of a red flag for alcoholism’ season.

It’s almost ‘carve a pair of boobs into a pumpkin to piss off your girlfriend’ season.

It’s almost ‘drink a #PSL every day and gain all your winter weight because of your faux autumn enthusiasm’ season.

It’s almost ‘decorate with gourds until the sweet stench of their rotting permeates every inch of your apartment’ season.

It’s almost ‘incorporate equestrian style into your wardrobe even though the closest thing you’ve gotten to a horse is your nickname in junior high’ season.

It’s almost ‘cover up your post-summer weight gain with jackets and a fake pregnancy’ season.

It’s almost ‘go on a romantic weekend away to a deserted beach town until, without the crutch of friends and crowded bars, you realize you have nothing in common’ season.

It’s almost ‘hide my debilitating eating disorder under #menswear-inspired sweaters’ season.

It’s almost ‘wear riding boots even though I have a terrible fear of horses ever since the petting zoo incident’ season.

It’s almost ‘pretend you’re wearing tights because of the autumn chill and not because they’re acting as your own version of spanx’ season.

It’s almost ‘find a significant other’ season but don’t worry, that shouldn’t be on your radar until the first frost hits.

So, don’t forget to update your Tinder photos so that they incorporate the changing foliage.

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Why I Stopped Blogging

tumblr_ms6600R1ej1rywo33o1_500People often ask, “why don’t you write for your own site anymore? You never seem to pen anything for yourself that’s over 140 characters, and not vague threats and misconceptions about the world from any of your schizophrenic twitter accounts.” (Quote not verbatim.)

And the answer to that is, yes and no. I’m writing all the time actually, more than I ever have, just not on this site that I know has plateaued.

Like all good (or in this case, painful) trends, blogging is on its way out. Or at the very least, personal blogging is. I was lucky/old enough to hop on the digital soapbox when it was still a somewhat novel idea, and its initial intent was as pure as a virgin white van with the words “free candy” hastily scribbled against the side.

My first blogspot was a way to let my family and friends know I was alive during the summer I spent in London for study abroad, and after checking the site analytics and realizing a surprising number of people were either stalking or hate reading it, it became more of a bastardized amalgamation of thoughts and satire you see today.

Why is blogging dying? Well, let’s think long and hard for a second – when was the last time you heard of a cool, new blogger that’s “blowing up”? That’s because you haven’t. The earlier and in most cases, better, bloggers moved into brands and magazines. Their blog having done its job of getting them employed as editors and taste makers in their respective interests.

Then there are the other, larger bloggers who do it for a living through selling ad space, promotional content and using affiliate linking sites. Part of my job working in social media for a brand is connecting and collaborating with some these bloggers, and the difference between them and the other imitation blogs that seem to pop up like gophers in the deepest, darkest parts of cyberspace — is that they actually know what they’re doing. There’s a plan, long and short term goals and most importantly – the time to do it because it’s their job.

tumblr_m7semtlRxU1qjoe95o1_500The other reasons why I don’t “blog” like I did in college is – who the hell am I to give lifestyle or fashion advice? As I learn through experience about the way of life that’s generally perpetuated on the Internet (I specialize in the delusional neo-prep department), I realize how much more I need to learn before going on a tangent about it. If you’re not an expert in the field, sit the fuck down. And no, your Pinterest board on chevron doesn’t count.

That being said, I don’t regret the hours and years I’ve wasted on my site. It got me my past two jobs at some of my favorite brands and has led to cool opportunities, allowing me to rethink my priorities. Mainly, not doing things for free anymore.

tumblr_n60ita0vWQ1qz6f9yo1_500If you have a personal blog, don’t think of this as an attack, it’s merely my two cents on what’s happening in the digital realm. As things continue to move from print to digital, the market will become even more saturated and only the better branded and stronger sites with advertising dollars behind them will survive.

I’m not out of the game, just working for it.

And trying to write that stupid, stupid book.

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Kate Spade Bags I Would Actually Buy

Sometimes I feel like a traitor to my gender because I absolutely detest Kate Spade bags (and their newer marketing in general). Their clothing is another story, but it’s hard to justify a $700 cocktail dress that will inevitably end up getting covered in gin.

Because I’m an entrepreneur, JK it’s because I have Photoshop, I created variations of their preexisting bags that I would actually buy. Because if I see another girl walking down Madison Avenue with a $300 terry tote that says “Eat Cake For Breakfast” I will start questioning my own sanity instead of their collective, futilely aspirational ones.

KS1 KS2 ks3 ks4 ks5 ks7 KS8 ks9

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Honest Pinterest Boards

Ah, Pinterest. The digital equivalent of living in your own delusions of grandeur while perusing and judging other boards, i.e. other people’s thinly veiled fantasies. That’s exactly why this social sharing site is popular–you can live vicariously through discovered images of products, ideals, and situations you desperately want but can’t afford or achieve. The best part? You don’t even have to leave the warm, inviting glow of your computer screen or bed to enjoy it. Hell, you don’t even have to be wearing pants.

With that said, I would love to see some honest Pinterest board names, so I detailed a few of them below.

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Lilly Pulitzer Summer 2014

Let me get this straight – I love Lilly Pulitzer. Their vivid prints and bright colors are an exaggerated caricature of our society and the person that would wear it. It screams, “I should be on Palm Beach with a G&T in my hand but instead I’m riding the subway with you schmucks”, illustrating the lifestyle we would rather be living as opposed to the one we’re currently stuck in.

With that being said Lilly is perfect day drinking attire, so I altered some of the copy for their summer ’14 catalog to say what we’re all feeling.


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Historically Accurate American Girl Dolls

According to Wikipedia and whatever memory that hasn’t been lost to the sands of time, self-preservation or alcohol, American Girl dolls are a line of 18 inch dolls first released in 1986. “The dolls portray eight– to eleven–year–old girls of a variety of ethnicities. They are sold with accompanying books told from the viewpoint of the girls.”

Used as teaching tools to a varying degree, the dolls and stories focused on periods of American history. However, as we very well know, freedom isn’t free and American history is very dark indeed. Rather than paint rosy pictures of the American Girls’ lives as we were all led to believe at a very young age, I thought I’d write historically accurate descriptions for some of the existing dolls.*

*Considering the kids growing up now are pretty screwed concerning job security and an attainable retirement age, we should let them know that other generations had it worse.


Kaya, 1764

introCharKaya, a brave and outgoing girl, hails from the Nez Perce tribe and aspires to become a leader of her people.

One day while foraging for fruits and nuts or whatever one does for sustenance when you don’t have Fresh Direct, she happens upon a white soldier. Curious and admittedly a little slutty, Kara gives him a peace offering (BJ) and is whisked away to his camp. She teaches him the ways of her people, and in return he gets her pregnant, but not before giving her a nasty case of syphilis. Kaya dies in childbirth, and the soldier dumps the kid outside the tribe’s campgrounds where she is taken in as one of their own.

Kaya’s wild spirit and legacy lives on in her daughter, aptly named ‘Sleeps With Wolves’. Unfortunately, their family tree is killed off in the 1877 Nez Perce battle against the U.S. army, a fight spurred by the tribe refusing to give up their ancestral lands. However, their family history will never be forgotten thanks to written testament concerning Kara’s sexual prowess, found in letters sent back home by the soldier to his brothers. Carbon copies are available on display at various museums.

Felicity Merriman, 1774


Felicity is a spunky, brave and free-spirited girl caught between Patriot and Loyalist friends and family during the American Revolution.

Her immediate family ultimately takes the Loyalist side, and her older brother, Sebastian, is captured by Patriots in the dead of night to be tarred and feathered. Luckily, the hooligans were intoxicated beyond coherence and her brother’s boyfriend was among them, so Sebastian got a good aloe rubdown and they all pillow fought for a good half-hour before retiring for tea. Sebastian and his lover then escape to England, where they are free to wear decent clothes in peace.

Alone and without her fraternal personal stylist, Felicity turns to the Patriot side and delivers jugs of water to the #thirsty soldiers on the battlefield. After the Americans win the Revolutionary War, Felicity is given the nickname “Jugs” as a symbol of affection. She dies in childbirth a few months later, and many a soldier mourns Jugs’ passing.

Caroline Abbott, 1812

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 Caroline is a brave little soul who enjoys outdoor activities and hopes to someday own a ship just like her father, a ship builder. One day her father is captured by the British and she goes off on an epic journey to save him.

Half an hour into the aforementioned epic journey, she herself is captured and forced to be a servant girl to one of the British captains. She manages to seduce him thanks to the lax age of consent laws of 1812, and learns the location of her Father. After escaping the ship where she is held captive and running from guards for two days and nights, she manages to find her Father, who was actually not captured and just shacked up with their former neighbor.

After some bribery (who says new shoes can’t mend broken hearts?) Caroline and her Father make amends, and she aids him in his dream haberdashery unicycle business. She dies in childbirth four months later.

Rebecca Rubin, 1914


Rebecca is the daughter of Russian Jewish immigrants who ended up settling down in the lower east side of New York City. Instead of working in the pickle market like her other brothers and sisters, Rebecca dreams of becoming a movie star which angers and disappoints her traditional parents.

Rebecca shares her dreams with Moshe, the kind neighbor’s boy who lives down the street, and he admits that he dreams of becoming a producer. They start a film club with the other silver screen-aspiring neighborhood children, with the first and only rule being they don’t talk about film club. Slowly but surely, they create an even larger network and their film club spans all the way to Hollywood, ultimately allowing the Jews to covertly take over the film industry.

Several years later, Rebecca nearly dies in childbirth but her doctor cousin is there to save her, and with the help of her lawyer cousin they sue the hospital. After they win the lawsuit she and Moshe finally have the money they needed for the in-ground pool, sauna and gazebo they always wanted and they live happily ever after.

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25 Things I Learned Before Turning 25

1. I Don’t Know What’s Going On

yknjsthumbnailAside from recognizing Ygritte from Game of Thrones as one of the maids from season 1 of Downton Abbey (ayoooooo) it’s utterly disturbing how little I know about real life. One of the most frustrating things I’ve encountered is recognizing and dealing with the limitations of my own experience and intelligence. On the bright side, this is when you can ask mentors/random but wise looking old people on the subway for advice and guidance. Or your Dad’s accountant can do your taxes. Whatever works.

2. Your Comfort Level Isn’t Negotiable

tumblr_ms72x4PeFm1rs6exro1_500After moving three times in three years in NYC, what truly resonated is you get what you pay for. You can’t go from having a slew of amenities to none, or even settle for a smaller room. You’ll hate yourself and everything around you, and it’s not worth it. (It’s also bad when you need more space for your clothes than for yourself.)

3. Alcohol and Mixers Have A Lot Of Calories

tumblr_mqylg5m2RH1rix67do1_500Get used to drinking straight liquor. It’s easier than you think
and your thighs will thank you. Which leads me to my next point..

4. “We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve”

tumblr_mze8fcb8e11qzf4rzo1_500As cheesy as the line is, it unfortunately makes a great deal of sense. And it’s regrettable that my type is “raging douchebag” but some things are out of our control.

5. No One Really Hates You

tumblr_myw9fgoiCT1qg996lo1_500Okay fine, maybe they do. But it takes effort for them to go out of their way to screw you over. There are few characters that vindictive or who have that much free time on their hands. It boils down to this: hatred is exhausting and everyone has to deal with their own concerns. They couldn’t care less about yours.

6. Dollar Slices Are Amazing

tumblr_mjjbmdC7d41qzl095o1_500It’s thin crust, tomato sauce and cheese. It’s nearly impossible to ruin. And it’s delicious. Get off your high horse.

7. Perception Is A Cruel Mistress

Screen Shot 2014-03-24 at 11.33.59 PMTo quote my favorite author K.S. Anthony: “People tell the world whatever stories they need to in order to preserve the stories they tell themselves about themselves.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction we implement out of necessity for our own dwindling sanity. Just bear that in mind and be kind to others who do it in spades.

8. The Internet Is A Terrifying Place


Every time I look at twitter I shudder, because there’s another neo-prep wannabe taking photos of themselves gazing wistfully towards the water. On the other hand, I’ve made more friends than I care to admit through its various platforms, and it’s wonderful meeting people from all walks of life who share similar tastes or senses of humor.
You’re all #blessings.

9. The Rule of Return

tumblr_mvr3hpVbH61qbh878o1_500Everyone comes back. Whether it’s a month, three months or two years later, it’s a cyclical pattern of dating abuse exacerbated through texting or Facebook messaging.
Delete and block when you can.

10. Save Your Money

tumblr_me30diMIk71qz6f9yo1_500Your wants and needs are going to change with every J. Crew email in your inbox. Buy the stuff that’s “missing” in your life but remember that you can’t build a beach house out of empty liquor bottles, regret and cashmere sweat suits.

11. Instant Gratification Gets Boring

tumblr_mrxwsvyCKY1qa42jro1_500JK LOL I wouldn’t know what it felt like. But it’s cool to watch the things you’re passionate about progress and grow based on the amount of effort and blackmail you put into them.

12. Your Family Is On Your Side

tumblr_mrwcqdBODA1su4uhco1_500There’s absolutely no use arguing with them. Either take their sage advice or don’t, but accept they have an older set of your genetic makeup and have probably dealt with the same if not similar troubles you’re going through. You also don’t want to be the problem child who doesn’t end up with the good silver.

13. There Are No White Knights

tumblr_mxv7tmeibR1qbh878o1_500-1You are not a Prince or Princess. No one has the time, energy or empathy to come rescue you from your ivory tower made out of seamless order take out bags. Get a grip and be someone that can fight their own battles.

14. Recognize What Makes You Happy

tumblr_msfchyWe3u1s4adebo1_500-1And if you’re not, leave. You (most likely) don’t have a bastard child and no one is financially dependent on you. The only thing that’s stopping you are your inhibitions and fear of failure. And failure is such a vague term defined by a society that still wears pleated pants. So, whatever.

15.  Acceptance Can Be A Good Thing

tumblr_mgnyz3NBSi1qe5udso1_500One of my most enlightening moments was around two years after I graduated from college and took an impromptu trip to Philadelphia. It was the middle of the day and the people I was staying with were at work, so I knocked on the door of a fraternity I used to hang out in. A pledge answered and I walked by him so I could throw my stuff in the brotherhood room and wander around the city of brotherly/Eskimo sisterly love without being encumbered by my overnight duffle. It was then I realized, everyone I knew had pretty much graduated or no longer lived in the house. The dream was over. Also, the floor was filthy and there was no way I was putting my obnoxiously bright bag down on it.

16. You Need A Job

tumblr_muhl7wawwe1qlxvxuo3_500“Chase your dreams” and all those trite remarks made by guidance counselors paid to say them, but at the end of the day you’re going to need that health insurance for when your liver fails after all the drinking that took place while you were chasing them.

17. You Are Not Immortal

tumblr_mmvljir8de1qz6f9yo1_500There’s a fine line between going overboard and not waking up. Know your limits.

18. Everyone Has Ulterior Motives

tumblr_m5s92cWeZS1qazkdco1_500Identify and recognize what they are. It’s not evil, it’s human nature.

19. Know What You Want And Go For It

tumblr_mln7asv6s41som5qmo1_500Especially if he’s wearing croakies. Then it’s a done deal.

20. Invest in Key Pieces

tumblr_mp2ozsw7sj1qbh878o1_500Building a wardrobe takes time and money. Buy the best and most versatile you can afford, and treat them with the respect you no longer have for yourself because you’ve eaten nothing but Subway and yogurt for the past two weeks.

21. Your ‘Personal Brand’ Unfortunately Isn’t Just A Marketing Buzz Word

tumblr_lzhoix4hzN1qbvanto1_500Personal brands are strategy, not reality. Everyone has their own reasons for posting socially — whether they’re making money through affiliate purchasing programs, want to remain competitive in their field and make themselves more attractive to competing companies or brands, or they have a lifestyle image to uphold. L’Wren Scott’s story is an unfortunate example of it. Don’t believe everything you see on instagram or read on Twitter.

22 – 25. It’s Okay To Sometimes Throw In The Towel

tumblr_mt2oux3AVW1qbh878o1_500Also, thanks to the Internet, people read far less than they’ll readily admit.
So, congratulations on getting this far.

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