Historically Accurate American Girl Dolls

According to Wikipedia and whatever memory that hasn’t been lost to the sands of time, self-preservation or alcohol, American Girl dolls are a line of 18 inch dolls first released in 1986. “The dolls portray eight– to eleven–year–old girls of a variety of ethnicities. They are sold with accompanying books told from the viewpoint of the girls.”

Used as teaching tools to a varying degree, the dolls and stories focused on periods of American history. However, as we very well know, freedom isn’t free and American history is very dark indeed. Rather than paint rosy pictures of the American Girls’ lives as we were all led to believe at a very young age, I thought I’d write historically accurate descriptions for some of the existing dolls.*

*Considering the kids growing up now are pretty screwed concerning job security and an attainable retirement age, we should let them know that other generations had it worse.

 

Kaya, 1764

introCharKaya, a brave and outgoing girl, hails from the Nez Perce tribe and aspires to become a leader of her people.

One day while foraging for fruits and nuts or whatever one does for sustenance when you don’t have Fresh Direct, she happens upon a white soldier. Curious and admittedly a little slutty, Kara gives him a peace offering (BJ) and is whisked away to his camp. She teaches him the ways of her people, and in return he gets her pregnant, but not before giving her a nasty case of syphilis. Kaya dies in childbirth, and the soldier dumps the kid outside the tribe’s campgrounds where she is taken in as one of their own.

Kaya’s wild spirit and legacy lives on in her daughter, aptly named ‘Sleeps With Wolves’. Unfortunately, their family tree is killed off in the 1877 Nez Perce battle against the U.S. army, a fight spurred by the tribe refusing to give up their ancestral lands. However, their family history will never be forgotten thanks to written testament concerning Kara’s sexual prowess, found in letters sent back home by the soldier to his brothers. Carbon copies are available on display at various museums.

Felicity Merriman, 1774

45511f20ba38cc2c1c6e7ed72b4e201b

Felicity is a spunky, brave and free-spirited girl caught between Patriot and Loyalist friends and family during the American Revolution.

Her immediate family ultimately takes the Loyalist side, and her older brother, Sebastian, is captured by Patriots in the dead of night to be tarred and feathered. Luckily, the hooligans were intoxicated beyond coherence and her brother’s boyfriend was among them, so Sebastian got a good aloe rubdown and they all pillow fought for a good half-hour before retiring for tea. Sebastian and his lover then escape to England, where they are free to wear decent clothes in peace.

Alone and without her fraternal personal stylist, Felicity turns to the Patriot side and delivers jugs of water to the #thirsty soldiers on the battlefield. After the Americans win the Revolutionary War, Felicity is given the nickname “Jugs” as a symbol of affection. She dies in childbirth a few months later, and many a soldier mourns Jugs’ passing.

Caroline Abbott, 1812

Screen Shot 2014-04-17 at 11.52.33 PM

 Caroline is a brave little soul who enjoys outdoor activities and hopes to someday own a ship just like her father, a ship builder. One day her father is captured by the British and she goes off on an epic journey to save him.

Half an hour into the aforementioned epic journey, she herself is captured and forced to be a servant girl to one of the British captains. She manages to seduce him thanks to the lax age of consent laws of 1812, and learns the location of her Father. After escaping the ship where she is held captive and running from guards for two days and nights, she manages to find her Father, who was actually not captured and just shacked up with their former neighbor.

After some bribery (who says new shoes can’t mend broken hearts?) Caroline and her Father make amends, and she aids him in his dream haberdashery unicycle business. She dies in childbirth four months later.

Rebecca Rubin, 1914

rebeccarubin1

Rebecca is the daughter of Russian Jewish immigrants who ended up settling down in the lower east side of New York City. Instead of working in the pickle market like her other brothers and sisters, Rebecca dreams of becoming a movie star which angers and disappoints her traditional parents.

Rebecca shares her dreams with Moshe, the kind neighbor’s boy who lives down the street, and he admits that he dreams of becoming a producer. They start a film club with the other silver screen-aspiring neighborhood children, with the first and only rule being they don’t talk about film club. Slowly but surely, they create an even larger network and their film club spans all the way to Hollywood, ultimately allowing the Jews to covertly take over the film industry.

Several years later, Rebecca nearly dies in childbirth but her doctor cousin is there to save her, and with the help of her lawyer cousin they sue the hospital. After they win the lawsuit she and Moshe finally have the money they needed for the in-ground pool, sauna and gazebo they always wanted and they live happily ever after.

Posted in Decor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

25 Things I Learned Before Turning 25

1. I Don’t Know What’s Going On

yknjsthumbnailAside from recognizing Ygritte from Game of Thrones as one of the maids from season 1 of Downton Abbey (ayoooooo) it’s utterly disturbing how little I know about real life. One of the most frustrating things I’ve encountered is recognizing and dealing with the limitations of my own experience and intelligence. On the bright side, this is when you can ask mentors/random but wise looking old people on the subway for advice and guidance. Or your Dad’s accountant can do your taxes. Whatever works.

2. Your Comfort Level Isn’t Negotiable

tumblr_ms72x4PeFm1rs6exro1_500After moving three times in three years in NYC, what truly resonated is you get what you pay for. You can’t go from having a slew of amenities to none, or even settle for a smaller room. You’ll hate yourself and everything around you, and it’s not worth it. (It’s also bad when you need more space for your clothes than for yourself.)

3. Alcohol and Mixers Have A Lot Of Calories

tumblr_mqylg5m2RH1rix67do1_500Get used to drinking straight liquor. It’s easier than you think
and your thighs will thank you. Which leads me to my next point..

4. “We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve”

tumblr_mze8fcb8e11qzf4rzo1_500As cheesy as the line is, it unfortunately makes a great deal of sense. And it’s regrettable that my type is “raging douchebag” but some things are out of our control.

5. No One Really Hates You

tumblr_myw9fgoiCT1qg996lo1_500Okay fine, maybe they do. But it takes effort for them to go out of their way to screw you over. There are few characters that vindictive or who have that much free time on their hands. It boils down to this: hatred is exhausting and everyone has to deal with their own concerns. They couldn’t care less about yours.

6. Dollar Slices Are Amazing

tumblr_mjjbmdC7d41qzl095o1_500It’s thin crust, tomato sauce and cheese. It’s nearly impossible to ruin. And it’s delicious. Get off your high horse.

7. Perception Is A Cruel Mistress

Screen Shot 2014-03-24 at 11.33.59 PMTo quote my favorite author K.S. Anthony: “People tell the world whatever stories they need to in order to preserve the stories they tell themselves about themselves.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction we implement out of necessity for our own dwindling sanity. Just bear that in mind and be kind to others who do it in spades.

8. The Internet Is A Terrifying Place

tumblr_m33c2jFgJy1r0qqppo1_500

Every time I look at twitter I shudder, because there’s another neo-prep wannabe taking photos of themselves gazing wistfully towards the water. On the other hand, I’ve made more friends than I care to admit through its various platforms, and it’s wonderful meeting people from all walks of life who share similar tastes or senses of humor.
You’re all #blessings.

9. The Rule of Return

tumblr_mvr3hpVbH61qbh878o1_500Everyone comes back. Whether it’s a month, three months or two years later, it’s a cyclical pattern of dating abuse exacerbated through texting or Facebook messaging.
Delete and block when you can.

10. Save Your Money

tumblr_me30diMIk71qz6f9yo1_500Your wants and needs are going to change with every J. Crew email in your inbox. Buy the stuff that’s “missing” in your life but remember that you can’t build a beach house out of empty liquor bottles, regret and cashmere sweat suits.

11. Instant Gratification Gets Boring

tumblr_mrxwsvyCKY1qa42jro1_500JK LOL I wouldn’t know what it felt like. But it’s cool to watch the things you’re passionate about progress and grow based on the amount of effort and blackmail you put into them.

12. Your Family Is On Your Side

tumblr_mrwcqdBODA1su4uhco1_500There’s absolutely no use arguing with them. Either take their sage advice or don’t, but accept they have an older set of your genetic makeup and have probably dealt with the same if not similar troubles you’re going through. You also don’t want to be the problem child who doesn’t end up with the good silver.

13. There Are No White Knights

tumblr_mxv7tmeibR1qbh878o1_500-1You are not a Prince or Princess. No one has the time, energy or empathy to come rescue you from your ivory tower made out of seamless order take out bags. Get a grip and be someone that can fight their own battles.

14. Recognize What Makes You Happy

tumblr_msfchyWe3u1s4adebo1_500-1And if you’re not, leave. You (most likely) don’t have a bastard child and no one is financially dependent on you. The only thing that’s stopping you are your inhibitions and fear of failure. And failure is such a vague term defined by a society that still wears pleated pants. So, whatever.

15.  Acceptance Can Be A Good Thing

tumblr_mgnyz3NBSi1qe5udso1_500One of my most enlightening moments was around two years after I graduated from college and took an impromptu trip to Philadelphia. It was the middle of the day and the people I was staying with were at work, so I knocked on the door of a fraternity I used to hang out in. A pledge answered and I walked by him so I could throw my stuff in the brotherhood room and wander around the city of brotherly/Eskimo sisterly love without being encumbered by my overnight duffle. It was then I realized, everyone I knew had pretty much graduated or no longer lived in the house. The dream was over. Also, the floor was filthy and there was no way I was putting my obnoxiously bright bag down on it.

16. You Need A Job

tumblr_muhl7wawwe1qlxvxuo3_500“Chase your dreams” and all those trite remarks made by guidance counselors paid to say them, but at the end of the day you’re going to need that health insurance for when your liver fails after all the drinking that took place while you were chasing them.

17. You Are Not Immortal

tumblr_mmvljir8de1qz6f9yo1_500There’s a fine line between going overboard and not waking up. Know your limits.

18. Everyone Has Ulterior Motives

tumblr_m5s92cWeZS1qazkdco1_500Identify and recognize what they are. It’s not evil, it’s human nature.

19. Know What You Want And Go For It

tumblr_mln7asv6s41som5qmo1_500Especially if he’s wearing croakies. Then it’s a done deal.

20. Invest in Key Pieces

tumblr_mp2ozsw7sj1qbh878o1_500Building a wardrobe takes time and money. Buy the best and most versatile you can afford, and treat them with the respect you no longer have for yourself because you’ve eaten nothing but Subway and yogurt for the past two weeks.

21. Your ‘Personal Brand’ Unfortunately Isn’t Just A Marketing Buzz Word

tumblr_lzhoix4hzN1qbvanto1_500Personal brands are strategy, not reality. Everyone has their own reasons for posting socially — whether they’re making money through affiliate purchasing programs, want to remain competitive in their field and make themselves more attractive to competing companies or brands, or they have a lifestyle image to uphold. L’Wren Scott’s story is an unfortunate example of it. Don’t believe everything you see on instagram or read on Twitter.

22 – 25. It’s Okay To Sometimes Throw In The Towel

tumblr_mt2oux3AVW1qbh878o1_500Also, thanks to the Internet, people read far less than they’ll readily admit.
So, congratulations on getting this far.

Posted in Living The Dream, Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

Seasonal Day Drinking Attire For Post-Grad Bros

One of the finer warm weather sports, day drinking requires years of training, endurance and finally – dedication. Unlike the free-for-all natty light chugging of our college days, the stakes are higher because we actually need to um, show up to things on time and not leave any lingering, horrible impressions on colleagues and potential slams. Not to mention the implications of a slower metabolism and apathy regarding the gym.

The easiest way to keep a sense of decorum about you while you’re three-quarters of a fifth of whiskey deep, is to dress the part of a man who has his wits about him. Even if those faded along with any morals once you had to start signing four figure rent checks.

Canvas Weekend Bag by Gant Rugger

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.20.43 PM

First of all, you can’t show up to the rager (even if it’s just someone’s back porch) with beer in a backpack. You’re not a hobo riding the rails, transport those #blessed bottles in something more substantial, like that weekender you barely use because you’re usually called into the office on Sunday. This bag fits the bill because of its seasonal hue and lightweight construction, that won’t add to the weight of its contents of unfulfilled dreams.

 

 

Fitzgerald Fit Seersucker Sport Coat by Brooks Brothers

Screen Shot 2014-03-21 at 12.01.09 AM

 

Seersucker is a warm weather essential that becomes a power move when worn in sport coat form. Pair with obnoxiously bright pants, an open shirt that reveals the perfect amount of chest hair, and watch the women wearing Lilly P. flock to you like sharks smelling (blue) blood.

Danger Zone Long Sleeve Pocket Tee Shirt by Rowdy Gentleman Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 10.40.30 PMFight the spring chill with a Nantucket red layer worthy of any Maverick. Unbeknownst to many, the Danger Zone isn’t a place, but a state of mind that can only be reached with your personal peak level of intoxication and the quality of wingmen you keep.

The Van Wijiks Oxford Shorts by Chubbies

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.22.51 PMLadies aren’t the only one who benefit from showing a lot of leg.
Sky’s out, thigh’s out with these glorious oxford shorts, which should be treated with the same respect as their longer counterparts. Complement with a blazer or bow tie
but please, only if you’re even slightly toned.

Wave Driver Kiltie Moc by Sperry Top-Sider

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.26.21 PMEveryone and their bastard child owns Sperry’s in multiple shades of brown. There’s nothing wrong with that, but consider switching it up with a driving moccasin that boasts the same fit and versatility but with a handsome kiltie accent. It appears more formal, and after all, the first thing a woman will notice about a man are his shoes.
And whether or not he’s coherent.

Terry Kimono Robe by Ralph Lauren

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.51.23 PMOn the days you don’t feel like getting dressed, there’s no shame in opting for a terry robe while downing a few bloodies by the open window with your slam. Spring and summer are all about enjoying the moment, especially if that moment involves cocktail olives and no pants.

Chelsea Sportsquilt Jacket by Barbour

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.58.17 PMNow that your traditional Bedale is in storage, switch out your favorite olive piece of outerwear with a more seasonal, quilted option that still maintains classic sensibility. To put it bluntly, you could throw on an old frocket tee, faded chinos, boat shoes and this jacket will seal the deal. It’s not laziness, but practicality at its sleep-deprived finest.

Putting Green Polo by KP MacLane

Screen Shot 2014-03-21 at 12.05.53 AM

In a perfect world, we would drink American beer from the backs of American golf carts while toasting our thriving economy and swinging at balls atop golden tees. While that may not be the case, you can still punch up your wardrobe with an American made polo that’s more than par for the course.

Dean Embroidered Short in Martini by J. McLaughlin

Screen Shot 2014-03-21 at 12.10.53 AM

Wear your enthusiasm and #thirst for life with embroidered shorts that still show off those wonderful calves. Critter pants are one of those true delights of the season — and should be treated with the respect they deserve. These martini-bedecked ones will be perfect for happy hour, crab accented ones would best suit the beach, and whale embroidered ones would work for breaking into SeaWorld to take a selfie.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What an Accurate Great Gatsby Themed Wedding Would Look Like

ac5c02db754d4113da00a074b1f57451

Say what you will about The Great Gatsby and love or hate its position as “the true American novel”, but this trend of mislabeling Gatsby as a romance rather than a #blessed downward spiral of moral decay desperately needs to stop. Sure it’s been two popular movies. Yes two of the main characters are in love or at the very least the idea of it — but that still does not deem the book an appropriate wedding theme.

But, says the fiancée, twirling her hair while crafting her wedding Pinterest boards with rabid fervor, “then I’ll make it a Fitzgerald-themed wedding. Scott and Zelda were like, the greatest love story, like ever.”

Well, wrong again. He was a raging alcoholic and she was an uninhibited lunatic. They had a few good years before they went off their respective deep ends, but Zelda was in and out of too many mental hospitals to allow them to be together for long stretches of time. They famously wrote each other tons of love letters and were each other’s guiding lights for their entire lives, but their relationship should not be placed on a pedestal. Or used as a basis for comparison for a healthy union.

This bastardization of a wonderful and honest piece of literature by people who skipped high school English class to get high behind the gym needs to stop. At the very least spark note the book before throwing 40k on a party celebrating something that has a 50% survival rate.

My only hope is the tags and key words embedded in this post will become a catalyst to discovery – i.e. the next bride googling Gatsby-themed wedding ideas will realize what she’s doing. Or she’ll be so drunk off cheap chardonnay and fumes from spray paint DIY’ing monograms on everything, she’ll go ahead and incorporate them into the big day.

c0b2e787e463b90bb77c13b3ef016549

Instead of dividing the wedding party based on who knows the bride or groom, respectively label sides ‘East and West Egg’ and seat guests based on their inferred wealth or how trashy their outfit is.

Having the best man narrate the entire wedding Nick Carraway
style in lieu of a drunken speech.

Or if a speech is required, the best man has to start with, “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

f7921a2c8a6e7526da215306e31282bcThe mood boards for the design would incorporate the quote, “I wasn’t actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.”

….

d8e0aad1f560688b239da9b9e56fd9b3The flower girl would be chosen based on her looks because, “I hope she’ll be a fool — that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

….

No hanging lanterns, Christmas lights or chandeliers
— just bare, eerie green bulbs.

3ec5c662e88cc67f91aeaf5803a36c62

The Mother-in-laws will receive a gift of the framed quote,
 “Reserving judgements is a matter of infinite hope.” 

All exes and past and current side pieces will be invited to the wedding
because, “Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!” 

7c100c7ff6786b972662bf05c670a742

One of the drunk bridesmaids will yell across the lawn at the bride, “They’re a rotten crowd’, ‘You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.” before puking into one of the champagne fountains. 

8e00ef323f71a408f3f4ed2d5fbe3883

And finally, after the happy couple passes out after the party and awakens to realize they can’t consummate the marriage, “What’ll we do with ourselves this afternoon?” cried Daisy, “and the day after that, and the next thirty years?” 

But fear not, three months later the birth announcement will read,
“It takes two to make an accident.” 

All quotes taken from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Images 1/2/3/4/5/6

 

Posted in alcohol, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Alternative Valentine’s Day DIY Projects

I want to preface this with saying I have no bitter vendetta against Valentine’s Day. I’ve had some good ones and some bad ones, just like any other day of the year. The “holiday’” itself just confuses me, as its origins don’t match its modern intent.

Saint Valentine was sentenced to death by the Romans (NOT the Jews, we only killed your savior) for marrying Christian couples and helping them out in general. His painful execution was carried out on February 14th and his martyrdom somehow became a Hallmark holiday with the average consumer spending $133.91 on their loved or tolerated ones.

I’ve read conflicting reports about how or why we give out cards — one story suggests children threw love notes into his cell before his execution, another explains that he left the jail keeper’s daughter he cured of blindness a note that read “your Valentine”. However, nothing explains the cruelty behind the chocolate and tacky presents. Not even the third world children making those teddy bears want them.

Because we’ve all been bombarded with Valentine’s Day paraphernalia and DIY projects on every social media platform, I thought I’d share some alternative suggestions to preexisting ones. Please bear in mind that all of these pale in comparison to a Tiffany’s box filled with Klonopin. The one gift that shows you truly care.

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 10.31.11 PM

Martha Stewart Omnimedia is a God amongst men when it comes to content, UX, and print/digital design in general. It’s everything an aging former sorority girl can look to for comfort while downing a bottle of cheap Merlot because it gives her an excuse to craft with the empty bottle after.

The cookie conversation hearts from their Pinterest board are cute, but would be better suited to #rejectedcandyhearts submissions. Check out the hashtag or here’s a shameless plug for my personal twitter handle.

Screen Shot 2014-02-12 at 3.41.54 PM

 

Bags of “Spare Kisses”

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 10.33.52 PMPro-tip: fill with airplane bottles instead and stencil on the front, “spare hope”.

Message in a Bottle

 

5d7401143350c8ecfd3be095e41da065Aside from being a truly shitty Kevin Costner movie, the “message in a bottle” concept does carry some nice, old-world sentiment. Jazz it up by inserting a greased rag, lighting it, and tossing it in the object of your affection’s new condo he shares with his underage “dancer” girlfriend.

Deck of Love Cards

52+reasons+why+I

During fights the ’52 card pick-up’ game will have SO much more meaning.

Drinking Flags

db01784007a2e9abc215b7dc82feed8d

Celebrate the one person who’s always been there for you (yourself) with these adorable straws. While drinking alone is never boring, you can at least break up the monotony by pouring your drink into a proper glass this time (instead of straight shooting it). And for the love of God, please don’t use a mason jar unless you’re south of the Mason Dixon line and just shot some squirrels “taunting” you outside your window.

 Links: 1/2/3/4/5

Posted in holiday | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Truthful Five Year Plans

I don’t believe in five year plans. Who knows what they’ll be doing or where they’ll be in a year, let alone five. It’s essentially making a promise you won’t know you’ll be able to keep, so why create this painfully realistic or exaggerated concept of who or what you will become?

The worst is when someone you barely know (i.e. a recruiter or extended family member) asks you what your five year plan is, like you’re supposed to automatically divulge your deepest hopes and desires. The person asking already knows you’re going to skirt the truth, and will inevitably end up listening to whatever bullshit answer corresponds to your respective field or career path. “Drunk on a beach with no child support to pay” may be the ultimate goal, but not when you’re interviewing for an elevated position. That still falls so, so far below the caliber of your education.

Because 2014 is all about shedding the lies perpetuating the Internet, I thought I’d give a few of my truthful five year plans because, apathy.

The Southern Retreat

tumblr_mit0xiddkt1rydqpho1_500After coming into some of the Solomon oil money (Mom accidentally hits an oil geyser while extending the front yard’s flower beds in late 2014) I take off for the South where I do nothing but systematically enjoy and then burn back issues of Real Simple and wear large hats. Eight months later I’m run out of town for repeatedly showing up to the local college’s men’s lacrosse tournaments and serving alcohol to minors when they were supposed to be concentrating on playing the game.

The Maine Cottage

tumblr_mygusk8D9B1rff1ieo1_500After nearly getting trampled at a polo match, the offending French player visits me at the hospital where he is taken by my ability to pepper my speech with a wide selection of profanity.

He quickly proposes based on a mixture of guilt, desire to become an American citizen and my tendency to “look the other way”. Enamored with J. Crew and L.L. Bean marketing and the lifestyle he associates with it, Renard purchases a large cabin in Maine where he proceeds to do nothing but wear plaid and split logs. Confused by the lack of catharsis an an entire wardrobe of selvedge denim and Bean Boots has brought him, he jets off to Europe and I have an in-ground jacuzzi installed in mourning.

Become Bill Murray

tumblr_mv7l8xl8lw1sftlgjo1_500If you *believe* hard enough, anything is possible.

Play With Farm Animals And Drink Gin

tumblr_lfipulHmzD1qg9j9do1_500With nothing but trunks full of books, gin, dresses and jewelry to weigh me down (the rest of my stuff will obviously be flown in and assembled by local, polite and shirtless farm boys) I blow my hidden trust fund I discover in early 2015 on a house in the English countryside.

When my precious time is not taken up by day drinking, reading and playing with the various chickens, sheep, goats and alpacas that roam the yard like precocious children (that don’t need to be sent to expensive private universities!) I’ll take care of the sprawling lands that make up the estate. Which will mostly involve my attempting to recreate the final scene of the 2010 cinematic rendition of Pride and Prejudice when Keira Knightley happens upon Mr. Darcy during her morning walk in the fields.

I will also take on philanthropic work, and teach the local street urchins how to harness the power of social media for their own gain – a.k.a. letting them watch me swipe left on Tinder. Clearly they’ll have to take turns watching over my shoulder, because it’s not like any of them could afford smart phones anyway.

Posted in alcohol | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

An Open Letter To Sorority Girls Concerning The Lilly Pulitzer Sale

Screen-shot-2012-04-03-at-11.48.21-PM

Dear Sorority Girls,

As of 8:00 this morning the Lilly Pulitzer sale will go live. It will also invariably crash for an hour due to the sheer amount of unleashed estrogen pursuing anything pink or green in a futile attempt to mask their deep, troubling insecurities with cheery dresses and tunics.

Lilly Pulitzer said it best, “life’s a party – dress like it”. Well guess what size 0′s, the party’s over once you step off that graduation stage. As of right now you still have your fraternity basements, laundry rooms, brotherhood rooms, hallways, hidden trap doors and if you’re really desperate – bathrooms. The rest of us have to make do with happy hours and specific bars that cater to those who can still drink a pitcher of Bud Light in one sitting while not losing their literal and metaphorical croakies.

What I’m trying to say to you dear, shrill, sorority girls who will be vying for the same maxi dresses, cocktail-appropriate sheaths and turtle bedecked tumblers that I will be frantically trying to add to my cart – let us have it. And by ‘us’ I mean the collective group of post-grad girls trying to maintain some semblance of day drunk euphoria you all take for granted.

So while we’re sitting at our respective bars, talking to some finance bro wearing a baseball cap you rightfully assume he’s sporting to hide a receding hairline – at least we’re still wearing a yellow and orange giraffe print. When we’re reeling from a poor performance review at work, at least we have a starfish accented cardigan pretentiously tied around our shoulders. When you see your ex instagram himself with his new 21 year old fetus girlfriend, at least your boobs look great in that dress you somehow got all the grass stains off of after repeatedly falling at a polo match last summer.

To explain the relevance of this sale – it’s not the clothes that actually matter, but the confidence that comes with wearing something truly obnoxious that acts as a siren call for all the d-bag former frat stars you know you adore. This is not a plea, but an explanation of what is right, true and fair. Besides, you’ll be in our boardroom and bar-ready heels soon enough.

Kind regards,
Your future embittered self

Posted in alcohol, Drexel | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

How To Spot A Former Fratstar

tumblr_msy0prtpsi1qbh878o1_500

It may have been a handful of years since those fateful steps were taken outside the womb-like walls of your alma mater, but some things never change.

Being able to spot a former fratstar takes a combination of inherent and acquired skills. You either are one, dated too many of them, or spent time silently cursing them under your breath when they showed up to the library drunk. Here are some of the telltale signs of a bro still living in the delusions of his glory days and former alcohol tolerance.

Fratagonias

06look-patagonia-tmagArticle

Your typical post-frat finance bro will wear a Fratagonia (i.e. Patagonia) vest over a button-down from early to late fall before switching over to either his quilted or zip-up (green Bedale) Barbour when the temperature dips. Otherwise, he’ll sport the full Fratagonia fleece to house parties and day drinking. For all intents and purposes, this is like a tractor beam for the like-minded and the ladies who tolerate them.

Sperry’s At The Office

IMG_4510

Who needs dress shoes when your kicks say that you’re ready for boating at all times? Save the weathered ones for the weekend, when the bar floor will be as slick as the surface of your friend Chip’s yacht during a Nor’easter (in your defense, checking the weather channel is for pussies).

Backpack In Lieu Of A Briefcase

the-north-face-jester-backpack-2014-tnf-black

Once used for smuggling beer and plastic handles of liquor into the dorms, your faithful North Face – or Herschel if you moved to Brooklyn – has been repurposed for braving the subway and the floor of your cubicle. Not only does it fit any paperwork — but travel toothbrush, toothpaste and fresh button-down when you stay over your slam’s place.

Brings His Own Koozie To The Bar

IMG_5076-540x720

Now that you can no longer call the frat house home base, your favorite bar will have to do. And what better way to mark your territory than bringing your favorite koozie to the chosen establishment? Not only does it distinguish you as a regular, but the respective koozie’s affiliation (fraternity letters or brand) says more than any slurred comments at two in the morning can.

Perpetually In A Button-Down

jcrew_washed_shorts

Otherwise known as bro spanx, the button-down hides a beer gut quite well and you won’t know that he’s secretly fat until you get back to his apartment. Who has time for the gym among a 10-hour a day finance job, happy hour and on-call slams?

Hungover Is A Way Of Life

tumblr_mssl4ajtKp1rhpn4yo1_500

The alarm clock will always wake you up at 6:30am, but who says your work hours should restrict your way of life? You’ve operated drunk or hungover for four years of college – so consider that training as invaluable as your knowledge of Excel, or ability to get out of a pregnancy scare. Go get ‘em slugger.

Selfish, Yet Endearing Lovers

tumblr_mhrkpom4XO1qd11c7o1_500

I’ll always hold a soft spot in my heart for you dear gentlemen <3

Posted in Living The Dream | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Realistic Product Descriptions for Christmas Presents

tumblr_my9zedAPjV1qzdiqvo1_500

Ah Christmas eve, a day to be surrounded by the congenial warmth of friends and family while savoring the anticipation of what good ol’ Saint Nick will bring you this year. Because lifestyle related product descriptions rarely give the logistics behind why they would make truly invaluable gifts, I gave my two cents on some choice selections I hope you find under the tree. Lord knows I won’t  :(

Screen Shot 2013-12-24 at 10.05.04 AM Your dreams may not be any closer to becoming reality but who knows what will happen after uncorking more than a few brews with this Anthropologie Wishbone Bottle Opener. Unlike its turkey or chicken bone counterpart you don’t have to break it apart with a buddy to see whose wish will come true, its whoever drinks enough to believe it did. Screen Shot 2013-12-24 at 10.05.59 AMLooking to land a stud or fine mare? Then what better way to say it than with the Ralph Lauren Barnard Box, a subtle box-for-a-box metaphor they won’t hopefully get. Championing a burlwood and cedar construction with an equestrian sterling silver accent — no wonder it’s just $5 shy of 2k. Perfect for storing the aforementioned wishbone bottle opener because you’re going to need all the help you can get after blowing your rent money on this futile bartering chip.

Screen Shot 2013-12-24 at 10.06.53 AM

Elevate your former dorm room game with a Restoration Hardware Grand Luxe Faux Fur Bean Bag Chair in Sable. Perfect for lounging upon while drinking copious amounts of wine in your bathrobe and questioning if your Tinder is broken or you should simply lose all hope. It’s okay – procreation looks like it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be anyway.

Screen Shot 2013-12-24 at 10.09.10 AM

Because 2014 will be your year – fill it with all those lofty goals that come with day drinking and the inevitable 8:00 p.m. hangover when you wonder how your life has all led up to this fateful moment. So chronicle it in your Smythson Diary, hopefully you’ll be able to look back on all this and laugh.

Screen Shot 2013-12-24 at 10.09.59 AM

You know what makes one feel good about themselves? Pie. You know what would make you feel even better about yourself? A personal pie. For those of us who are afraid of their ovens (please see my forthcoming novel, Cooking With Sylvia Plath – Fun Recipes And More Than You Can Swallow) this Williams Sonoma Breville Personal Pie Maker takes the cake.

Posted in holiday, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

A Realistic Holiday Gift Guide

tumblr_mvgq6gpcIV1rr74i9o1_500

Now that holiday season is upon us because Chanukah basically didn’t exist this year (THANKS, Christian calendar), every brand is sharing their respective holiday gift guides to consider for those you love or tolerate in your life. Taking into consideration that most of your peers are probably in the same boat as you (going to the gym before drinking so you’re already dehydrated and will get intoxicated way more cheaply and quickly), think twice about blowing big bucks on knick knacks. The following is a more handy and realistic gift guide that will get you through the most expensive season.

Prescription Drugs

tumblr_mqv2buc5zT1r3ziyto1_500

For the friends you actually like, bless them with the gift of uppers, downers and everything in-between. Share the bounty of your psychologist’s blatant indiscretion in the form of Adderall and Klonopin that Dr. Miller knows you pop like gummy vitamins. To be on the safe side, remove any labels bearing your name and replace with a holiday appropriate ribbon.

Regift Anything From An Ex

tumblr_mu0n8jy9Al1r17y54o1_500

That expensive candle they bought you that no longer smells like your tentative New England summer home? Those silver picture frames that survived being thrown across the room? The less expensive jewelry (because let’s be serious, emotions are forfeit when it comes to the good stuff)? Get them out of your apartment and into the stockings of coworkers and cousins alike.

Liquor

tumblr_mw6h83EOJa1qbh878o1_500

No explanation necessary, as it’s truly the gift that keeps on giving…sometimes well into the next morning, depending on where you wake up.

Starbucks Gift Cards

tumblr_mxk1r4lnZP1r2qs2ho1_500

Ah, most of white collar humanity’s unifying force – an expensive caffeine addiction. Even if they don’t indulge in one of the few things that makes life palatable, they can blow it all on cake pops or some other bastardization of carbohydrates.

Less of a Social Media Presence

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 9.20.26 PM

Let’s face it, most of us (okay, Manhattan in general – myself included) can be truly annoying, nay obnoxious, on social media. By taking a few days to cool your jets and not be inclined to incessantly tweet about what cleanse you’re on, posting #TBT instagrams of yourself before the cruel passage of time got a firm grip and foursquaring every expensive restaurant you put on the company card — the world will be a better place. Your insatiable need for attention may be a bottomless pit, but just blame it on being a millenial and drink the pain away in peace and quiet like the generations before us.

Posted in holiday, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment