Why I Stopped Blogging

tumblr_ms6600R1ej1rywo33o1_500People often ask, “why don’t you write for your own site anymore? You never seem to pen anything for yourself that’s over 140 characters, and not vague threats and misconceptions about the world from any of your schizophrenic twitter accounts.” (Quote not verbatim.)

And the answer to that is, yes and no. I’m writing all the time actually, more than I ever have, just not on this site that I know has plateaued.

Like all good (or in this case, painful) trends, blogging is on its way out. Or at the very least, personal blogging is. I was lucky/old enough to hop on the digital soapbox when it was still a somewhat novel idea, and its initial intent was as pure as a virgin white van with the words “free candy” hastily scribbled against the side.

My first blogspot was a way to let my family and friends know I was alive during the summer I spent in London for study abroad, and after checking the site analytics and realizing a surprising number of people were either stalking or hate reading it, it became more of a bastardized amalgamation of thoughts and satire you see today.

Why is blogging dying? Well, let’s think long and hard for a second – when was the last time you heard of a cool, new blogger that’s “blowing up”? That’s because you haven’t. The earlier and in most cases, better, bloggers moved into brands and magazines. Their blog having done its job of getting them employed as editors and taste makers in their respective interests.

Then there are the other, larger bloggers who do it for a living through selling ad space, promotional content and using affiliate linking sites. Part of my job working in social media for a brand is connecting and collaborating with some these bloggers, and the difference between them and the other imitation blogs that seem to pop up like gophers in the deepest, darkest parts of cyberspace — is that they actually know what they’re doing. There’s a plan, long and short term goals and most importantly – the time to do it because it’s their job.

tumblr_m7semtlRxU1qjoe95o1_500The other reasons why I don’t “blog” like I did in college is – who the hell am I to give lifestyle or fashion advice? As I learn through experience about the way of life that’s generally perpetuated on the Internet (I specialize in the delusional neo-prep department), I realize how much more I need to learn before going on a tangent about it. If you’re not an expert in the field, sit the fuck down. And no, your Pinterest board on chevron doesn’t count.

That being said, I don’t regret the hours and years I’ve wasted on my site. It got me my past two jobs at some of my favorite brands and has led to cool opportunities, allowing me to rethink my priorities. Mainly, not doing things for free anymore.

tumblr_n60ita0vWQ1qz6f9yo1_500If you have a personal blog, don’t think of this as an attack, it’s merely my two cents on what’s happening in the digital realm. As things continue to move from print to digital, the market will become even more saturated and only the better branded and stronger sites with advertising dollars behind them will survive.

I’m not out of the game, just working for it.

And trying to write that stupid, stupid book.

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The 7 Worst Things From Blake Lively’s New, Painful, Lifestyle Website

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If any of you haven’t checked out Blake Lively’s Pinterest board gone horribly wrong–I mean lifestyle website–stop what you are doing and look.

It’s a striking amalgamation of rough-hewn font set against ominous colors and grain wood. To put it in layman’s terms, it looks like an emo Anthropologie, but it’s really just an overprivileged white girl’s attempt at appealing to the hipster mass market (without having an underlying concept for the site or store in general).

The beginning of the editor’s letter about the website really says it all:

“Sitting down to write this editor’s letter has been the hardest thing I’ve done yet on my Preserve journey. I’m more intimidated than I should probably admit. I’m no editor, no artisan, no expert. And certainly no arbiter of what you should buy, wear, or eat. I am hungry, though…and not just for enchiladas.”

SIT DOWN, SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN.

To better give you an idea of how ridiculous this site and its shop is, behold seven of the worst things you can blow your hard-earned cash on, while Blake and Ryan Reynolds madly make love on a bed made out of artisanal wood grown from trees solely watered by virgins’ tears.

A World Marquee for $2,000
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“Invite the world into your household while welcoming a wealth of cultures and customs from countless countries. Be aware, the World Marquee may inspire extreme wanderlust.”

Ummm, I don’t think they have a lot of lights in third world countries. And I wouldn’t be able to afford a decent trip after blowing 2K on something my ex could have made in woodshop class. I say “ex” because I doubt we’d be together much longer if he had made me this instead of, like, wooden mallards.

A Crystal Bowl for $450
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“…artisans sculpt every piece by hand; imparting beauty, imagination and warmth to those who welcome these captivating crystals into their home.”

I thought “Breaking Bad” was basically a PSA against bringing captivating crystals into your home.

Large Thought Bubble for $300
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“Spark your bulb and bring a fresh light to your thinking process with the Thought Bubble. Make sure to jot down that brilliant idea!”

I thought that’s what Twitter was for? Why not save $300 and share your ill-informed, vaguely racist thought with thousands of people!

Cottage Floral Collection for $185
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“Towering above the table like a priceless palace is an ornate tea stand. With three layers for a cascade of colorful cupcakes, cheesy crackers, and chocolate crisps, the tea stand brings order to a mad tea party. Make sure to invite High Tea for Alice to your next party and avoid a fancy fiasco.”

I’m all about ornate tea stands, trust me. I live for this shit, but if you spent $185 on something for “a cascade of colorful cupcakes,” what issues are you actually hiding in the deepest parts of your disturbed, murky soul?

Bistro Apron for $100
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“Sometimes there aren’t enough chefs in the kitchen.”

I thought the whole intent of an apron was to cover up your more expensive clothing, so what does it say about you when your apron is more precious than the J.Crew button-down you bought in a gin-fueled, Friday rampage.

Porter Cycling Crate for $95
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“The bones of old New York get a new lease on life in these Dutch-style bicycle crates. Built to last a lifetime from reclaimed local wood sealed with natural tung oil, each beautiful Brooklyn-made piece is imbued with its own unique character. Caboose it onto your bike to carry the day’s produce, impromptu flowers for your sweetheart, or whatever you need to transport in a stylish manner—emission-free!”

Their near-exact replicas are free if you buy enough produce at the farmer’s market. *drops mic*

Everyday Bowl for $70
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“Hardly quotidian, the Everyday Bowl marries rare beauty with frequent functionality. It’s durable enough to add elegance to your morning oatmeal experience, yet sufficiently eye-catching to perch on a mantle.”

This looks like something I would make at summer camp as a child to proudly bring home. Mom would proclaim, “oh, sweetie, it’s great,” and wait a month before tossing it to ensure I’d completely forgotten about the useless, leaky bowl. THIS IS A WILLIAMS-SONOMA HOUSEHOLD.

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Kate Spade Bags I Would Actually Buy

Sometimes I feel like a traitor to my gender because I absolutely detest Kate Spade bags (and their newer marketing in general). Their clothing is another story, but it’s hard to justify a $700 cocktail dress that will inevitably end up getting covered in gin.

Because I’m an entrepreneur, JK it’s because I have Photoshop, I created variations of their preexisting bags that I would actually buy. Because if I see another girl walking down Madison Avenue with a $300 terry tote that says “Eat Cake For Breakfast” I will start questioning my own sanity instead of their collective, futilely aspirational ones.

KS1 KS2 ks3 ks4 ks5 ks7 KS8 ks9

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Honest Pinterest Boards

Ah, Pinterest. The digital equivalent of living in your own delusions of grandeur while perusing and judging other boards, i.e. other people’s thinly veiled fantasies. That’s exactly why this social sharing site is popular–you can live vicariously through discovered images of products, ideals, and situations you desperately want but can’t afford or achieve. The best part? You don’t even have to leave the warm, inviting glow of your computer screen or bed to enjoy it. Hell, you don’t even have to be wearing pants.

With that said, I would love to see some honest Pinterest board names, so I detailed a few of them below.

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Lilly Pulitzer Summer 2014

Let me get this straight – I love Lilly Pulitzer. Their vivid prints and bright colors are an exaggerated caricature of our society and the person that would wear it. It screams, “I should be on Palm Beach with a G&T in my hand but instead I’m riding the subway with you schmucks”, illustrating the lifestyle we would rather be living as opposed to the one we’re currently stuck in.

With that being said Lilly is perfect day drinking attire, so I altered some of the copy for their summer ’14 catalog to say what we’re all feeling.

LP1lp2lp3lp4lp5lp6lp7lp8lp9

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Historically Accurate American Girl Dolls

According to Wikipedia and whatever memory that hasn’t been lost to the sands of time, self-preservation or alcohol, American Girl dolls are a line of 18 inch dolls first released in 1986. “The dolls portray eight– to eleven–year–old girls of a variety of ethnicities. They are sold with accompanying books told from the viewpoint of the girls.”

Used as teaching tools to a varying degree, the dolls and stories focused on periods of American history. However, as we very well know, freedom isn’t free and American history is very dark indeed. Rather than paint rosy pictures of the American Girls’ lives as we were all led to believe at a very young age, I thought I’d write historically accurate descriptions for some of the existing dolls.*

*Considering the kids growing up now are pretty screwed concerning job security and an attainable retirement age, we should let them know that other generations had it worse.

 

Kaya, 1764

introCharKaya, a brave and outgoing girl, hails from the Nez Perce tribe and aspires to become a leader of her people.

One day while foraging for fruits and nuts or whatever one does for sustenance when you don’t have Fresh Direct, she happens upon a white soldier. Curious and admittedly a little slutty, Kara gives him a peace offering (BJ) and is whisked away to his camp. She teaches him the ways of her people, and in return he gets her pregnant, but not before giving her a nasty case of syphilis. Kaya dies in childbirth, and the soldier dumps the kid outside the tribe’s campgrounds where she is taken in as one of their own.

Kaya’s wild spirit and legacy lives on in her daughter, aptly named ‘Sleeps With Wolves’. Unfortunately, their family tree is killed off in the 1877 Nez Perce battle against the U.S. army, a fight spurred by the tribe refusing to give up their ancestral lands. However, their family history will never be forgotten thanks to written testament concerning Kara’s sexual prowess, found in letters sent back home by the soldier to his brothers. Carbon copies are available on display at various museums.

Felicity Merriman, 1774

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Felicity is a spunky, brave and free-spirited girl caught between Patriot and Loyalist friends and family during the American Revolution.

Her immediate family ultimately takes the Loyalist side, and her older brother, Sebastian, is captured by Patriots in the dead of night to be tarred and feathered. Luckily, the hooligans were intoxicated beyond coherence and her brother’s boyfriend was among them, so Sebastian got a good aloe rubdown and they all pillow fought for a good half-hour before retiring for tea. Sebastian and his lover then escape to England, where they are free to wear decent clothes in peace.

Alone and without her fraternal personal stylist, Felicity turns to the Patriot side and delivers jugs of water to the #thirsty soldiers on the battlefield. After the Americans win the Revolutionary War, Felicity is given the nickname “Jugs” as a symbol of affection. She dies in childbirth a few months later, and many a soldier mourns Jugs’ passing.

Caroline Abbott, 1812

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 Caroline is a brave little soul who enjoys outdoor activities and hopes to someday own a ship just like her father, a ship builder. One day her father is captured by the British and she goes off on an epic journey to save him.

Half an hour into the aforementioned epic journey, she herself is captured and forced to be a servant girl to one of the British captains. She manages to seduce him thanks to the lax age of consent laws of 1812, and learns the location of her Father. After escaping the ship where she is held captive and running from guards for two days and nights, she manages to find her Father, who was actually not captured and just shacked up with their former neighbor.

After some bribery (who says new shoes can’t mend broken hearts?) Caroline and her Father make amends, and she aids him in his dream haberdashery unicycle business. She dies in childbirth four months later.

Rebecca Rubin, 1914

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Rebecca is the daughter of Russian Jewish immigrants who ended up settling down in the lower east side of New York City. Instead of working in the pickle market like her other brothers and sisters, Rebecca dreams of becoming a movie star which angers and disappoints her traditional parents.

Rebecca shares her dreams with Moshe, the kind neighbor’s boy who lives down the street, and he admits that he dreams of becoming a producer. They start a film club with the other silver screen-aspiring neighborhood children, with the first and only rule being they don’t talk about film club. Slowly but surely, they create an even larger network and their film club spans all the way to Hollywood, ultimately allowing the Jews to covertly take over the film industry.

Several years later, Rebecca nearly dies in childbirth but her doctor cousin is there to save her, and with the help of her lawyer cousin they sue the hospital. After they win the lawsuit she and Moshe finally have the money they needed for the in-ground pool, sauna and gazebo they always wanted and they live happily ever after.

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25 Things I Learned Before Turning 25

1. I Don’t Know What’s Going On

yknjsthumbnailAside from recognizing Ygritte from Game of Thrones as one of the maids from season 1 of Downton Abbey (ayoooooo) it’s utterly disturbing how little I know about real life. One of the most frustrating things I’ve encountered is recognizing and dealing with the limitations of my own experience and intelligence. On the bright side, this is when you can ask mentors/random but wise looking old people on the subway for advice and guidance. Or your Dad’s accountant can do your taxes. Whatever works.

2. Your Comfort Level Isn’t Negotiable

tumblr_ms72x4PeFm1rs6exro1_500After moving three times in three years in NYC, what truly resonated is you get what you pay for. You can’t go from having a slew of amenities to none, or even settle for a smaller room. You’ll hate yourself and everything around you, and it’s not worth it. (It’s also bad when you need more space for your clothes than for yourself.)

3. Alcohol and Mixers Have A Lot Of Calories

tumblr_mqylg5m2RH1rix67do1_500Get used to drinking straight liquor. It’s easier than you think
and your thighs will thank you. Which leads me to my next point..

4. “We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve”

tumblr_mze8fcb8e11qzf4rzo1_500As cheesy as the line is, it unfortunately makes a great deal of sense. And it’s regrettable that my type is “raging douchebag” but some things are out of our control.

5. No One Really Hates You

tumblr_myw9fgoiCT1qg996lo1_500Okay fine, maybe they do. But it takes effort for them to go out of their way to screw you over. There are few characters that vindictive or who have that much free time on their hands. It boils down to this: hatred is exhausting and everyone has to deal with their own concerns. They couldn’t care less about yours.

6. Dollar Slices Are Amazing

tumblr_mjjbmdC7d41qzl095o1_500It’s thin crust, tomato sauce and cheese. It’s nearly impossible to ruin. And it’s delicious. Get off your high horse.

7. Perception Is A Cruel Mistress

Screen Shot 2014-03-24 at 11.33.59 PMTo quote my favorite author K.S. Anthony: “People tell the world whatever stories they need to in order to preserve the stories they tell themselves about themselves.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction we implement out of necessity for our own dwindling sanity. Just bear that in mind and be kind to others who do it in spades.

8. The Internet Is A Terrifying Place

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Every time I look at twitter I shudder, because there’s another neo-prep wannabe taking photos of themselves gazing wistfully towards the water. On the other hand, I’ve made more friends than I care to admit through its various platforms, and it’s wonderful meeting people from all walks of life who share similar tastes or senses of humor.
You’re all #blessings.

9. The Rule of Return

tumblr_mvr3hpVbH61qbh878o1_500Everyone comes back. Whether it’s a month, three months or two years later, it’s a cyclical pattern of dating abuse exacerbated through texting or Facebook messaging.
Delete and block when you can.

10. Save Your Money

tumblr_me30diMIk71qz6f9yo1_500Your wants and needs are going to change with every J. Crew email in your inbox. Buy the stuff that’s “missing” in your life but remember that you can’t build a beach house out of empty liquor bottles, regret and cashmere sweat suits.

11. Instant Gratification Gets Boring

tumblr_mrxwsvyCKY1qa42jro1_500JK LOL I wouldn’t know what it felt like. But it’s cool to watch the things you’re passionate about progress and grow based on the amount of effort and blackmail you put into them.

12. Your Family Is On Your Side

tumblr_mrwcqdBODA1su4uhco1_500There’s absolutely no use arguing with them. Either take their sage advice or don’t, but accept they have an older set of your genetic makeup and have probably dealt with the same if not similar troubles you’re going through. You also don’t want to be the problem child who doesn’t end up with the good silver.

13. There Are No White Knights

tumblr_mxv7tmeibR1qbh878o1_500-1You are not a Prince or Princess. No one has the time, energy or empathy to come rescue you from your ivory tower made out of seamless order take out bags. Get a grip and be someone that can fight their own battles.

14. Recognize What Makes You Happy

tumblr_msfchyWe3u1s4adebo1_500-1And if you’re not, leave. You (most likely) don’t have a bastard child and no one is financially dependent on you. The only thing that’s stopping you are your inhibitions and fear of failure. And failure is such a vague term defined by a society that still wears pleated pants. So, whatever.

15.  Acceptance Can Be A Good Thing

tumblr_mgnyz3NBSi1qe5udso1_500One of my most enlightening moments was around two years after I graduated from college and took an impromptu trip to Philadelphia. It was the middle of the day and the people I was staying with were at work, so I knocked on the door of a fraternity I used to hang out in. A pledge answered and I walked by him so I could throw my stuff in the brotherhood room and wander around the city of brotherly/Eskimo sisterly love without being encumbered by my overnight duffle. It was then I realized, everyone I knew had pretty much graduated or no longer lived in the house. The dream was over. Also, the floor was filthy and there was no way I was putting my obnoxiously bright bag down on it.

16. You Need A Job

tumblr_muhl7wawwe1qlxvxuo3_500“Chase your dreams” and all those trite remarks made by guidance counselors paid to say them, but at the end of the day you’re going to need that health insurance for when your liver fails after all the drinking that took place while you were chasing them.

17. You Are Not Immortal

tumblr_mmvljir8de1qz6f9yo1_500There’s a fine line between going overboard and not waking up. Know your limits.

18. Everyone Has Ulterior Motives

tumblr_m5s92cWeZS1qazkdco1_500Identify and recognize what they are. It’s not evil, it’s human nature.

19. Know What You Want And Go For It

tumblr_mln7asv6s41som5qmo1_500Especially if he’s wearing croakies. Then it’s a done deal.

20. Invest in Key Pieces

tumblr_mp2ozsw7sj1qbh878o1_500Building a wardrobe takes time and money. Buy the best and most versatile you can afford, and treat them with the respect you no longer have for yourself because you’ve eaten nothing but Subway and yogurt for the past two weeks.

21. Your ‘Personal Brand’ Unfortunately Isn’t Just A Marketing Buzz Word

tumblr_lzhoix4hzN1qbvanto1_500Personal brands are strategy, not reality. Everyone has their own reasons for posting socially — whether they’re making money through affiliate purchasing programs, want to remain competitive in their field and make themselves more attractive to competing companies or brands, or they have a lifestyle image to uphold. L’Wren Scott’s story is an unfortunate example of it. Don’t believe everything you see on instagram or read on Twitter.

22 – 25. It’s Okay To Sometimes Throw In The Towel

tumblr_mt2oux3AVW1qbh878o1_500Also, thanks to the Internet, people read far less than they’ll readily admit.
So, congratulations on getting this far.

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Seasonal Day Drinking Attire For Post-Grad Bros

One of the finer warm weather sports, day drinking requires years of training, endurance and finally – dedication. Unlike the free-for-all natty light chugging of our college days, the stakes are higher because we actually need to um, show up to things on time and not leave any lingering, horrible impressions on colleagues and potential slams. Not to mention the implications of a slower metabolism and apathy regarding the gym.

The easiest way to keep a sense of decorum about you while you’re three-quarters of a fifth of whiskey deep, is to dress the part of a man who has his wits about him. Even if those faded along with any morals once you had to start signing four figure rent checks.

Canvas Weekend Bag by Gant Rugger

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First of all, you can’t show up to the rager (even if it’s just someone’s back porch) with beer in a backpack. You’re not a hobo riding the rails, transport those #blessed bottles in something more substantial, like that weekender you barely use because you’re usually called into the office on Sunday. This bag fits the bill because of its seasonal hue and lightweight construction, that won’t add to the weight of its contents of unfulfilled dreams.

 

 

Fitzgerald Fit Seersucker Sport Coat by Brooks Brothers

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Seersucker is a warm weather essential that becomes a power move when worn in sport coat form. Pair with obnoxiously bright pants, an open shirt that reveals the perfect amount of chest hair, and watch the women wearing Lilly P. flock to you like sharks smelling (blue) blood.

Danger Zone Long Sleeve Pocket Tee Shirt by Rowdy Gentleman Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 10.40.30 PMFight the spring chill with a Nantucket red layer worthy of any Maverick. Unbeknownst to many, the Danger Zone isn’t a place, but a state of mind that can only be reached with your personal peak level of intoxication and the quality of wingmen you keep.

The Van Wijiks Oxford Shorts by Chubbies

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.22.51 PMLadies aren’t the only one who benefit from showing a lot of leg.
Sky’s out, thigh’s out with these glorious oxford shorts, which should be treated with the same respect as their longer counterparts. Complement with a blazer or bow tie
but please, only if you’re even slightly toned.

Wave Driver Kiltie Moc by Sperry Top-Sider

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.26.21 PMEveryone and their bastard child owns Sperry’s in multiple shades of brown. There’s nothing wrong with that, but consider switching it up with a driving moccasin that boasts the same fit and versatility but with a handsome kiltie accent. It appears more formal, and after all, the first thing a woman will notice about a man are his shoes.
And whether or not he’s coherent.

Terry Kimono Robe by Ralph Lauren

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.51.23 PMOn the days you don’t feel like getting dressed, there’s no shame in opting for a terry robe while downing a few bloodies by the open window with your slam. Spring and summer are all about enjoying the moment, especially if that moment involves cocktail olives and no pants.

Chelsea Sportsquilt Jacket by Barbour

Screen Shot 2014-03-20 at 11.58.17 PMNow that your traditional Bedale is in storage, switch out your favorite olive piece of outerwear with a more seasonal, quilted option that still maintains classic sensibility. To put it bluntly, you could throw on an old frocket tee, faded chinos, boat shoes and this jacket will seal the deal. It’s not laziness, but practicality at its sleep-deprived finest.

Putting Green Polo by KP MacLane

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In a perfect world, we would drink American beer from the backs of American golf carts while toasting our thriving economy and swinging at balls atop golden tees. While that may not be the case, you can still punch up your wardrobe with an American made polo that’s more than par for the course.

Dean Embroidered Short in Martini by J. McLaughlin

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Wear your enthusiasm and #thirst for life with embroidered shorts that still show off those wonderful calves. Critter pants are one of those true delights of the season — and should be treated with the respect they deserve. These martini-bedecked ones will be perfect for happy hour, crab accented ones would best suit the beach, and whale embroidered ones would work for breaking into SeaWorld to take a selfie.

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What an Accurate Great Gatsby Themed Wedding Would Look Like

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Say what you will about The Great Gatsby and love or hate its position as “the true American novel”, but this trend of mislabeling Gatsby as a romance rather than a #blessed downward spiral of moral decay desperately needs to stop. Sure it’s been two popular movies. Yes two of the main characters are in love or at the very least the idea of it — but that still does not deem the book an appropriate wedding theme.

But, says the fiancée, twirling her hair while crafting her wedding Pinterest boards with rabid fervor, “then I’ll make it a Fitzgerald-themed wedding. Scott and Zelda were like, the greatest love story, like ever.”

Well, wrong again. He was a raging alcoholic and she was an uninhibited lunatic. They had a few good years before they went off their respective deep ends, but Zelda was in and out of too many mental hospitals to allow them to be together for long stretches of time. They famously wrote each other tons of love letters and were each other’s guiding lights for their entire lives, but their relationship should not be placed on a pedestal. Or used as a basis for comparison for a healthy union.

This bastardization of a wonderful and honest piece of literature by people who skipped high school English class to get high behind the gym needs to stop. At the very least spark note the book before throwing 40k on a party celebrating something that has a 50% survival rate.

My only hope is the tags and key words embedded in this post will become a catalyst to discovery – i.e. the next bride googling Gatsby-themed wedding ideas will realize what she’s doing. Or she’ll be so drunk off cheap chardonnay and fumes from spray paint DIY’ing monograms on everything, she’ll go ahead and incorporate them into the big day.

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Instead of dividing the wedding party based on who knows the bride or groom, respectively label sides ‘East and West Egg’ and seat guests based on their inferred wealth or how trashy their outfit is.

Having the best man narrate the entire wedding Nick Carraway
style in lieu of a drunken speech.

Or if a speech is required, the best man has to start with, “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

f7921a2c8a6e7526da215306e31282bcThe mood boards for the design would incorporate the quote, “I wasn’t actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.”

….

d8e0aad1f560688b239da9b9e56fd9b3The flower girl would be chosen based on her looks because, “I hope she’ll be a fool — that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

….

No hanging lanterns, Christmas lights or chandeliers
— just bare, eerie green bulbs.

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The Mother-in-laws will receive a gift of the framed quote,
 “Reserving judgements is a matter of infinite hope.” 

All exes and past and current side pieces will be invited to the wedding
because, “Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!” 

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One of the drunk bridesmaids will yell across the lawn at the bride, “They’re a rotten crowd’, ‘You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.” before puking into one of the champagne fountains. 

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And finally, after the happy couple passes out after the party and awakens to realize they can’t consummate the marriage, “What’ll we do with ourselves this afternoon?” cried Daisy, “and the day after that, and the next thirty years?” 

But fear not, three months later the birth announcement will read,
“It takes two to make an accident.” 

All quotes taken from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Images 1/2/3/4/5/6

 

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Alternative Valentine’s Day DIY Projects

I want to preface this with saying I have no bitter vendetta against Valentine’s Day. I’ve had some good ones and some bad ones, just like any other day of the year. The “holiday’” itself just confuses me, as its origins don’t match its modern intent.

Saint Valentine was sentenced to death by the Romans (NOT the Jews, we only killed your savior) for marrying Christian couples and helping them out in general. His painful execution was carried out on February 14th and his martyrdom somehow became a Hallmark holiday with the average consumer spending $133.91 on their loved or tolerated ones.

I’ve read conflicting reports about how or why we give out cards — one story suggests children threw love notes into his cell before his execution, another explains that he left the jail keeper’s daughter he cured of blindness a note that read “your Valentine”. However, nothing explains the cruelty behind the chocolate and tacky presents. Not even the third world children making those teddy bears want them.

Because we’ve all been bombarded with Valentine’s Day paraphernalia and DIY projects on every social media platform, I thought I’d share some alternative suggestions to preexisting ones. Please bear in mind that all of these pale in comparison to a Tiffany’s box filled with Klonopin. The one gift that shows you truly care.

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Martha Stewart Omnimedia is a God amongst men when it comes to content, UX, and print/digital design in general. It’s everything an aging former sorority girl can look to for comfort while downing a bottle of cheap Merlot because it gives her an excuse to craft with the empty bottle after.

The cookie conversation hearts from their Pinterest board are cute, but would be better suited to #rejectedcandyhearts submissions. Check out the hashtag or here’s a shameless plug for my personal twitter handle.

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Bags of “Spare Kisses”

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 10.33.52 PMPro-tip: fill with airplane bottles instead and stencil on the front, “spare hope”.

Message in a Bottle

 

5d7401143350c8ecfd3be095e41da065Aside from being a truly shitty Kevin Costner movie, the “message in a bottle” concept does carry some nice, old-world sentiment. Jazz it up by inserting a greased rag, lighting it, and tossing it in the object of your affection’s new condo he shares with his underage “dancer” girlfriend.

Deck of Love Cards

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During fights the ’52 card pick-up’ game will have SO much more meaning.

Drinking Flags

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Celebrate the one person who’s always been there for you (yourself) with these adorable straws. While drinking alone is never boring, you can at least break up the monotony by pouring your drink into a proper glass this time (instead of straight shooting it). And for the love of God, please don’t use a mason jar unless you’re south of the Mason Dixon line and just shot some squirrels “taunting” you outside your window.

 Links: 1/2/3/4/5

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